53 Real Awkward Things

Tonight the loose usage of the term "awkward" has been particularly frustrating to me; especially when people use it to describe their lack of intelligent polite conversation without a keyboard.

So I thought why not? Why not give a list of a few of horrible embarrassing moments that prove what the word is- awkward.

But first definition!

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Awk-ward

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1. Lacking skill or dexterity. Synonyms: clumsy, inept; unskillful, unhandy, inexpert. 

 

 2. Lacking grace or ease in movement: an awkward gesture; an awkward dancer. Synonyms: uncoordinated, graceless, ungainly; gawky; maladroit; clumsy. 

 

 3. Lacking social graces or manners: a simple, awkward frontiersman. Synonyms: gauche, unpolished, unrefined; blundering, oafish; ill-mannered, unmannerly, ill-bred. 

 

 4. Not well planned or designed for easy or effective use: an awkward instrument; an awkward method. Synonyms: unwieldy, cumbersome, unmanageable; inconvenient, difficult, troublesome.

 

5. Requiring caution; somewhat hazardous: an awkward turn in the road. Synonyms: dangerous, risky, unsafe, chancy; perilous, precarious, treacherous.

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 Doesn't everyone do things that are unconventional & embarrassing? I'm a dork, I freely admit that. But I accept that I'm not perfect. So go ahead- you read & laugh & think the next time you use the awkward.

 

[1] I mean, I give myself pep talks in the mirror for crying out loud!

[2] And speaking of talking out loud I woke my husband up from being in a deep thought provoking discussion with myself at 4am...more than once.

[3] I feel really bad for homeless cats. 

[4] I stutter so much that I get horribly tongue-tied; bad, it practically sounds like a goat trying to speak Russian. I've stopped acknowledging it altogether and have just resolved to pretend the person I was talking to heard wrong. Being completely serious and giving them a weird look when they seem confused. Reasonable, right? Keep reading.

[5] I trip over thin air- it's a talent really.

[6] I laugh at really stupid stuff & then can't stop- for no apparent reason. No one gets my jokes.

Do you realize how bad that is when you are in a room full of people and it goes silent... 

[7] In my dreams I'm a badass & always first to find & fight the killer when in reality I check the shower for a murderer any time I have to tinkle, sometimes twice.

[8] I claim to be willfully anti-social in my personal life when in reality I just don't have many friends. 

[9] I have a horrible habit of wanting to be everyone's everything and trying to "fix" them.

[10] I am not an easy fire to put out if you trample on my feelings but too prideful to say I have hurt feelings in the first place.

[11] I do, however, pride myself on being a loner yet the worst is getting left out. 

[12] I've actually had a spazz out so bad that I had to deep think for a full five minutes on what a "soap dish" was. In front of a coworker that had asked if we carried them. Humiliation.

[13] I still make shadow puppets on the wall when I get lonely. 

[14] My inner confidence is tougher than lead but my outer is about as funny as a fence post. 

[15] I am a total perfectionist yet I am messy as hell.

[16] I say some things out loud that just shouldn't sound that stupid & then hate myself for three weeks for not stopping mid-sentence. But it will haunt my subconscious for the next 8 years. 

[17] I used to suck on the end of my HAIR when I was thinking, like a lollipop or a freaking melted popsicle! 

[18] Or chew pencils to the point of no return & blame it on my dog when friends asked what happened to it.

[19] I've gone out on errands with chocolate around my mouth and no one had the decency to tell me.

[20] I was doing keegals before I knew what keegals were. 

(((((Annnnd what's more embarrassing/awkward than puberty? Nothing, that's what.))))))

[21] When I was 11, at a library book fair, I opened a random book without a title- having flipped to a random page I found out real quick that it was a book on sex and had a textbook description of penis/vagina penetration to which I slammed the book shut horrified ((THE PENIS GOES WHERE?!)) & I'm pretty sure my face turned 11 different shades of red for the rest of the day. 

[22] My aunt once tried to help me put in a tampon and being 10 it obviously didn't work & I forever thought I was a freak until I got married 8 years later and found out their magic & thus had to share my excitement with my working husband, "Hey, guess what?! I CAN USE TAMPONS! I'M NOT A FREAK!" - he wasn't as enthused as I was, naturally. But certainly, a lovely FB message from your wife.

[23] I once asked my GRANDMA (I was 10, guys...) if having hair in your ass-crack was normal.

She simply responded with, "I think that's a very personal question." Nevermind, that I, her grand-daughter was convincing herself she was a monkey/human mutant. Nawww, not a big deal at all.

[24] I always wanted to slow dance, like the dorky "Are we really reserved or do we just really suck at totterrin 'round n 'round?". I dream about it and people catch me staring at empty parking lots, eyes glossy, with an unintentionally creepy grin on my face- but ask me if I'm stoned instead of daydreaming. 

[25] A cat scratched me on the face to which I cried, "WHY? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?" then whispered, "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?!" whilst staring at it all betrayed. 

[26] I've had a stranger point out that the back of my skirt was tucked into my TIGHTS, at church no less. Mortifying. 

[27] I once tracked toilet tissue for like half a mile through Cedar Point while smiling at a hottie and wondering why people were staring at me (Nope, sorry to burst your bubble but it wasn't my great hair day).

[28] I fall over constantly. 

[29] I make up scenarios in my head and then bawl my eyes out over someone who isn't dead. 

[30] When I was 9 I thought it'd be cute to always have my hair look like it was blow dried straight back so in order to achieve this look I would bend all the way over & flip my hair down & up....all the time. I looked like a freakin' airbender I'm sure. Not cute.

[31] I slept with a panda bear named "Mr. Bennett" when I was 15 & 16.

[32] My ex. 'Nuff said.

[33] When I was 12 I went to Camp Patmos & on the very last day this guy who I might have had a slight eyeball for gave me his EMAIL & we wrote back & forth for a couple months- I replied at the library but then my parents told me I was too young to be talking to boys & wouldn't let me email him anymore; but I still read his emails & it took me a *year* to get over it, no lie. To make matters worse, I got to go the summer after that & his friend was there & I tried to say my name but literally drew a blank & then they gave me a little smile & ignored me- I was supremely embarrassed. I still have the little piece of paper taped in my journal.

[34] My hubby likes to sniff my face. 

[35] I still worry that something will grab me from under my bed. 

[36] Odaxelagnia; I like that. Just no blood.

[37] I got flashed when I was a kid by a creep & felt sooooo gross for months.

[38] I was a little gothic/emo kid. Dem feels.

[39] I used to think I could talk to animals.

[40] I dream about dead people & ghosts a lot.

[41] My cousin had a crush on me. LOL.

There are so many embarrassing awkward things about me I can't bare to list them all.

[42] I used to believe that if I had enough "belief" in my wish to jump into a book I could flip the page & be there when I jumped on it (my sister and I tried to repeat our wish three times & focus before jumping)- luckily, no twisted ankles. 

[42] I also would buy the most beat up toy I could find because *everyone* needs a home- even the ones who are falling apart, yes, even the ones from Dollar Tree. 

[43] I asked forgiveness from God for accidentally stealing a library pencil. Twice.

[44] For an entire winter; every time I showered I waited for the heat to kick on & laid by the vent & napped until I groggily get up disturbed by a sibling who needed to pee.

[45] I've accidentally spat when talking/laughing multiple times. And seen them flinch.

[46] I drew a "Bang head here" sign on my wall.

[47] Sports equipment & me aren't friends; it has a natural magnetic pull that gravitates every football, basketball, soccerball, tennisball, &/or volleyball towards what is left of my face. God forbid I ever go to a bowling alley.

[48] That awkward moment someone sees your "HI. I'm taking a dump- please don't judge me!" face when they walk in on you.

[49] A little kid came up to me and said, "Hey, why are you wearing a mask?"

.....I wasn't wearing a mask.

[50] When an 80 year old man stalked me at church & then proceeded to bring old nasty food over to my house (I'm guessing he got the address from a directory?), buy me candy, creepy compliment me, and always try to talk to me- including calling our phone all the time & coming over and knocking on the door for 20 minutes at a time when my parents were not home. I stayed in the boiler room at church a lot that year. Luckily, he was too old to suggest hide & seek.

 -_________-

[51] Just last week, my sister had a bunch of friends over and so everything's cool- we go to Panera, go to the movies, and then suddenly on the way home I feel stomach gurgles. I mean so intense it's like you're praying you don't ruin the car seat. So luckily, my best friend is driving & I tell her she HAS to stop the car and let me out at the door and throw my bag to my husband in the backseat yelling, "HOLD MY PURSE! HOLD MY PURSE!" and make a dash for the door- locked. So I run to the backdoor and scream for my little sister to hurry and as soon as she opens it I run to the bathroom, snow boots and all, and barely make it to the toilet. Cue crapping on self. Cue all of my sister's friends walk in. I stayed in there for like an hour. By the time I get out I've already pretnded I was just "freshening up" and die of laughter as I tell my mom. Well by the end of the night I had made SIX trips to the bathroom and took a shower and told everyone I had Ebola because it was SO freaking awkward. You've no idea. The HORROR. Did I mention I was supposed to be on a vacation? Yeah.

[52] Flagellating and blaming the nearest animal.  

[53] Passing a guy and his girlfriend in the grocery store when the dude suddenly grins at you and attempts to calm his boner by grabbing his pants. Classy.

My point is- there's a point when uncomfortable becomes awkward. Keep it that way.

Now while that is far from the worst I still hope you come to appreciate my sense of humor- it's ok to laugh at yourself & I consider it perfectly acceptable to cry & eat nutella from the container when these situations arise.

Good luck, my dear earthlings, good luck.